September 8th 2011 — birth month
Last year, I attended a very close friends wedding on my birthday. I tried to ignore the fact that I was turning 35. I brought a girlfriend as my date- to another girlfriends wedding. The sound of any ”happy birthday” messages was lulled out by my date’s endless horror stories about her (then) engagement to a chauvinistic Paki guy. Don’t worry, she is not still with him… and she has a couple new options in front of her — so, all is good in her world.
On the other hand, I still remember September 25th 2010 as one of the loneliest nights of my life. A mixed bag of emotion - so happy for my friend Joanna, as she made the perfect bride, and got to marry her long-term boyfriend and best friend, yet- so sad for myself. Never in a million years did I imagine being alone at that age – and here we are… back in September – one year later.
Why do birthday’s have to feel so bad? It happens to everyone… nobody likes to get older. Some days I think, I’m gonna have a huge party – and punch the “fear of ageing” right in its ugly face. Other day’s… I just want to disappear and be alone- actually alone – not surrounded by friends and still feeling alone.
A lot has changed in the past year. I changed my job, and actually love where I work now. I renovated my place, and actually love where I live now. I changed my diet/began working out regularly, and actually love the way my body looks now. Finally, I am actively dating and meeting new people weekly, and I am truly open to the possibility of love. Survey says, I can’t live without love – I need it in all aspects of my life. Being a person who knows what love looks like when it’s right, I can’t – and won’t, give up on it.. even if I am turning a year older.
I am starting to panick a little… but this year, I am not going to let myself down. I am not going to try to cancel the bday, and I am certainly not going to pretend I don’t care about it… I am just going to be me - whatever form that takes, I’ll love it.
