It happened a couple of days ago… and I still don’t know how I feel about it. Honestly, i thought it would feel worse. So what, I’m in the warning label age “35+”. So what I have a couple greys…. I promise I still get checked out just as much as girls 10 years younger. I’m not gonna lie, the still being “single” part – that’s the one that stings. Where was I when everyone was busy getting “husbands”?!

In the past couple weeks, I’ve been doing a lot of “observing”. The young, the older, the happily married, the unhappily married, the newly engaged…. a lot of different people at various stages… yet a lot of common behaviors. Overall – people needing to belong, to feel accepted. People afraid of “different”. Security in groups and group think….

All this introspectiveness has also reminded me of what I used to think when I was 27/28 years old. I was hot shit, and I used to feel bad for any girl 35+…. especially if she was not married with children. She was living the dreaded “single life”. Now, I feel like that was 10 minutes ago… and here I am – I have turned into the woman I used to feel bad for. Yet… I don’t feel bad for me. I don’t feel great for me – but I definitely don’t feel bad for me.

I have crossed a finish line… I do feel like a woman. I am 35+. I have not finished the race. I finally realized my “race” is not to get to marriage… it’s to get to the best version of me. I have many more finishes ahead…. but hopefully the race will go on forever.

Last year, I attended a very close friends wedding on my birthday. I tried to ignore the fact that I was turning 35. I brought a girlfriend as my date- to another girlfriends wedding. The sound of any ”happy birthday” messages was lulled out by my date’s endless horror stories about her (then) engagement to a chauvinistic Paki guy. Don’t worry, she is not still with him… and she has a couple new options in front of her — so, all is good in her world.

On the other hand, I still remember September 25th 2010 as one of the loneliest nights of my life.  A mixed bag of emotion - so happy for my friend Joanna, as she made the perfect bride, and got to marry her long-term boyfriend and best friend, yet- so sad for myself. Never in a million years did I imagine being alone at that age – and here we are… back in September – one year later.

Why do birthday’s have to feel so bad? It happens to everyone… nobody likes to get older. Some days I think, I’m gonna have a huge party – and punch the “fear of ageing” right in its ugly face. Other day’s… I just want to disappear and be alone- actually alone – not surrounded by friends and still feeling alone.

A lot has changed in the past year. I changed my job, and actually love where I work now. I renovated my place, and actually love where I live now. I changed my diet/began working out regularly, and actually love the way my body looks now. Finally, I am actively dating and meeting new people weekly, and I am truly open to the possibility of love. Survey says, I can’t live without love – I need it in all aspects of my life. Being a person who knows what love looks like when it’s right, I can’t – and won’t, give up on it.. even if I am turning a year older.

I am starting to panick a little… but this year, I am not going to let myself down. I am not going to try to cancel the bday, and I am certainly not going to pretend I don’t care about it… I am just going to be me - whatever form that takes, I’ll love it.

Last night marked the 27th day of Ramadan*, known to Muslims as “Lailatul Qadr” – The Night of Power.  The translation for Qadr is honour and dignity. ”Lailatul Qadr” is considered the holiest night of the year for Muslims because it was the night the Holy Quran was revealed to our Prophet Muhammad.

Enough with Sunday school… what did last night mean to me?!

I prayed my little heart out. I prayed for independence from debt, for each and every person I love, for my family’s safety and health, for some people to get pregnant, for some people to get better, for the poor people I met in India, for the people in my life that have passed away… for everything and everyone! But, the prayer I repeated the most, and recited with the most insecurity, and fear – was the prayer for a partner.

Typically when I pray, I feel guilty asking God for what I want, because I am not sure I deserve it. I know I am not a bad person, but I have made mistakes… I have hurt people. Also, praying for someone to love me, makes me really sad. I wish I could tell you I was the most deserving person in the world, and it’s unimaginable that my one true wish has been left unanswered – but, I know I have a lot of growth left, and I am faaaaar from being the person I hope to be, but I am on my way!

Last night there was a difference. I powered thru my self-doubt, and kept praying for what I want. In the past, I have not felt that I deserve to ask God for anything… felt that I need to be a better person before I go asking for things. I finally realized, God is the ONLY person I can ask- and not feel bad. After all, there I was, 1:30am, standing in a mosque, praying to him- for him.

As advertised, the night was powerful. I finally had the power to ask for what I wanted more than anything. A family of my own.

*Ramadan is the holiest of months for Muslims. The holy month includes fasting which is the third pillar of all the five pillars of Islam. Fasting in Islam is considered to be a means of practicing self-control. It is also considered to be a way of experiencing what hunger is all about, sympathizing with the poor and the needy, and thanking god for everything you have received in life.

One of my neighborhood besties, Sadaf, and I headed to the infamous Devon Avenue for iftar (to break our fast) at sunset yesterday. We decided on the Hyderabadi hot-spot Usmiania. We got there early, hit the buffet, and waited patiently for the Azaan (signifying it’s sunset). It was actually my 1st time having iftar on Devon - I loved it. I felt like I was walking around in India… I felt like I belonged.

After dinner, we stopped for a cup of chai, shopped for mangos, and went to get threaded–  all such Desi activities - I love it!! It’s nights like last night that make me feel like I neeeeed a Muslim guy – who else is gonna get how much I loved iftar on Devon? Or being around all things Desi?

On our walk to the car – I heard a man yelling my name, and saying “wait”. As I turned my head, I heard him saying “Ayesha is coming”. It took a few seconds, but before I knew it, I was in a full on, so happy to see you, where does the time go, i miss you… let’s never lose touch again – hug! I was hugging Ayesha… my bday twin! She and I were born the exact same day.. and she is a childhood friend. I love her! We played basketball, went to camp, visited with each other at college, and I watched her get married. She said to me – “I’m still the same person, I just have a thing on my head”. My response “a thing on your head, and 3 things running around that came out of you”. I told her I was still that same girl too… but, now I finally had the courage to “shop on the other side”. I am open to it… I am still open to meeting a Muslim guy too — but, I just haven’t met one that I think could work. She advised me to marry regardless of race, color, religious affiliation… to marry the Man that treats me the best. Amen!

As I tried to sleep last night, my mind would not stop racing. When did Ayesha and I start to drift apart? If we stayed close, would I have started to cover my hair? She has 3 kids! Am I ever gonna have kids?? My mind was all over the place. As I was drifting off into sleepy- time, I was grateful to God for bringing Ayesha back in my life – and for helping me by making sure I am surrounded with people who truly care for me, and know me. For some reason, I am in anticipation that I am going to need my network of friends soon – their support, and love. I don’t know what’s coming… but with the people I share love with around me, I can handle it.

Dinner on Devon… turned into a trip down to memory lane

I met an old friend for dinner last night. He is someone  I always thought saw the world the same way I did. We’ve been close for the last 15 years. I grew up hearing stories about his girlfriends, and how he was different than the typical Pakistani guy. Every time we would talk about relationships, he was assure me, when and if he marries, it will be for love. Well — just like so many do, he sold out. Off to Pakistan… back with a wife.

My Sell-out was in town for business last night…  we met for dinner. I said “please tell me you are madly in love with your wife”. He shrugged his shoulders, and responded  ”I think I married an idea”. Why have I heard that before? I reminded him, while we were growing up… it was his “idea” to fall in love, then marry. His stories gave  me courage. His independence made me feel like it would be possible to follow my heart instead of tradition. I wanted to know what “idea” got him to have an arranged marriage? When did his “idea” of what mattered change? He responded with “I don’t think anyone should get married unless they want to have kids”. When I asked if he is ready to have kids after 2 years of marriage – he said “I can’t even picture that right now”. I had to ask, “Why did you have an arranged marriage back then to have kids someday in the future?”. All I got back – a blank stare.

I love him- as a friend. There could have been chemistry between us… but, I always wanted to see him with my sister. I used to tell him I wanted him in my family… and I thought he and my sis would be great together. They kinds-sorta tried to talk… but neither really gave it the shot I wanted them to. He and I may have been a better fit- but I was always afraid to admit that. He is best friends with my 1st love (the one that I never held hands with). I refused to admit feelings for My Sell-out… because I didn’t want to tarnish the image I had of that 1st innocent love. I was a dumb-dumb !

He married an idea. I want so badly for the “idea” to be everything he was ever looking for. I am no expert, but my fear for My Sell-out is the “idea” was someone else’s, and he just sold-out on himself.

Last night, I was invited to break bread with Mayor Rahm Emanuel. It was the type of dinner that I always wanted to be at… but, never actually was invited to.

I love politics (definition: of, for or relating to citizens -Wikipedia.com). I love the people who are chosen to relate to citizens. In my ideal world, those people relate to me. They have humility, they have bad hair days, they eat Browns chicken for lunch, and they have the ability to see both sides to make sound decisions. They are sons, daughters, siblings, parents… and teachers. They are red party, blue party, green party.. they are independent thinkers. They are the hope I have in America.. yes, in change, and lastly in preservation. I accept that they make mistakes – further giving them the ability to relate to citizens.

At last nights Iftar with the mayor, I was seated next to President & CEO of the Chicago Community Trust. After a few minutes of telling each other what our professions were – I told him what I really felt I was doing.. and that was this blog. Yes, I am in advertising by day… but my soul is present in these posts in every moment. Yes, I love having a job at the #1 radio station in Chicago, but there is nothing I would love more than to get to the bottom of what drives interpersonal relationships between men and women — more specifically.. to understand why I don’t have a man yet, and what turn of events will lead to me meeting my ultimate goal of having a family.

Mr Big-Wig asked me if the blog had bought me any luck. I told him I felt like I was still in school, and studying for some exam- but no, I had not yet aced out of the program. He explained how “transparency” of government dealings and documents is a hot button in his career right now,  and I revealed my thoughts on internet dating sites- and how so much “transparency” or “information” can be harmful in a process. I firmly believe online dating has driven up the “ready to marry” age by a couple of years. I went into how online dating drags out every relationship – and how difficult it has been for me to trust people I meet from any dating websites. Every single person I have met from an online dating source (with the exception of one) has been dishonest in some way- in a way that I makes me feel less interested in the person. I shared my learnings about dating muslim men vs non-muslim men… and some things that surprised me about both.

Mr Big-Wig also shared. He told the story about how he met the love of his life, his Wife. He told me the 1st thing he saw was her eyes… and he was done. He was in love… the kind that he knew was soulful and would last a lifetime. He had no clue whate shape the journey would take.. and is so pleased, after 21 years, it’s still going. Mr Big-Wig complimented my eyes, and said he was sure someone would feel that way about me… I thanked him, and told him I was waiting for someone to see me. Actually see me. Not the packaging I come in.. but the me that I feel I am, and the me that I want to grow to be. I can’t wait! I see that love that is possible, and how a man describes knowing he “was done” from the moment he laid eyes on his wife -and I want that to be my story.

Can’t help it, I believe in fairy tale endings. Hey, I made it to the Mayor’s dinner…. I know I can make it to dinner with the man of my dreams too!

Sometimes we hear a story that gives us hope. Sometimes a story will teach a valuable lesson.. or make us laugh until our stomach’s hurt. But sometimes, a story scares the crap out of us. Once in a while, we hear a story that we tell and re-tell. We stay horrified at its details, and we find ourseleves seeking understanding in each other, in our faiths and maybe most of all, in humanity.

Below is a story from the NY Post about the beautiful Nazish Noorani — I am both terrified and horrified by it. 

My beloved cousin Al… he set me up. He is as close to me as my brother… he knows me, all of me. He cares for me, and I know he has my happiness in mind when he meets any bachelors with potential.

“I think you will really get along… There is something different about him, he is a comedian – and I know how much you like funny people”.

The Comedian had my attention.. I am a sucker for a funny man.

I get picked up at 8:30p. We hadn’t talked about what we were going to do.. but, I wasn’t worried. He knew my cousin- so, I’m sure whatever we do will be fine.

First impression: Not bad… typical Desi looking guy. Too much gel in his hair…

Second impression: Wimpy.

The second impression came when he brought me to a path along lakeshore drive, and suggested we take a walk. He wanted to talk, and get to know each other. I was trying really hard not to be annoyed as I was in heels, and it was a little cold and drizzly out. Open Mind. Open Mind. Open Mind. We start walking… the conversation was happening, but is was a little choppy. About 10 minutes into the walk… something funny happened. The comedian actually made me laugh, a lot. Nope, it wasn’t his words…. rather, it was the fact that he suddenly darted into some bushes… and was motioning for me to follow him. At first, I was really confused. We were walking on a path, and without any warning, this man jumped into bushes. Hmmm. I walked over to him, and he was very upset, as we were about to pass an unleashed dog. The Comedian explained we would surely get attacked by those irresponsible people’s dog– so we need to walk thru the bushes, and come around to the other side of the path.

OMG- I am still laughing.

Onto the 2nd part of our date. He was performing that night. Despite thinking he was not manly at all.. I was hoping he could redeem himself with some old-fashioned comedy. I wanted to see that thing my cousin did — the reason I was out with this man. This man, who so far, took me on a walk that ended up in bushes, and has not spoken a word about eating or drinking anything. Very odd.

We arrived in Wrigleyville… a local spot was hosting open mic night for up and coming comics. Upon arrival, I headed to the ladies room to freshen up, and check my phone. By the time I returned to our table… he had splurged, and ordered me a glass of water. Oh Boy.

Third Impression: Cheap.

The Comedian performed. He recited some typical “token brown guy” routine, and totally ripped on Cubs fans (while we were in Wrigleyville). Not only did people not laugh… I started to feel bad for him.

By that time, I was starving.. and tired. I asked him to take me home. On the ride home… he announced that he is “not really looking for anything serious”. He is “just meeting people to network”. “If something happens, it happens”. Then… he tried to put his hand on mine- YUCK! I let him know right away… I am looking to meet someone special, and I wished him luck with his “networking”. He tried to back pedal a little… tell me that of course that’s what he wants, and we had such a nice time..he would love to hang out again, and yada… yada… yada. Not a chance dude – you tried to be the cool guy… you gave me an out – I’m out!

Comedian are funny, funny people.

Mystery Man: Hi There

Me: Hi- I’m not sure who this is?

Mystery Man: Huh… i’m hurt. Uve forgotten me ….

Me: Maybe my phone forgot you, but I may remember if you give me a hint

Mystery Man: Hmmmm… if your phone forgot me, then I am hurt more- as, out of phone, out of mind

Me: Well, that’s life I guess my friend

Mystery Man: Ch ch ch. I can see u. Theres a hint. We even had lunch. Guess I didn’t impress u …

Mystery Man: Any guesses?

Me: Nope- need another hint

Mystery Man: Hmmm. I even just called you. I’m into beauty.

Me: Let’s start with the basics. Are you a boy or a girl?

Mystery Man: Boy. Desi. Spiked hair black. Work out. I would consider myself with a nice physique. Way taller than you… haha

Me: Hmm. That sounds nice! Do you live in Chicago?

Mystery Man:Been there many atimes. Continuous visits. But of residence….

Me: Well – I’m intrigued

Mystery Man: Good… i’. gonna keep it that way

Mystery Man: Apparently not enough for you to have forgotten me… and not remember

Me: Well, you should have done a better job at keeping in touch

Mystery Man: As had u.. I’ll let you think about it for a little bit…how about that?

Me: You are running the risk that I may forget this text convo.. but it’s your risk to take

Mystery Man: How can you forget it??? If you do, then you will forget me as easily…

Me: This is a fast paced world.. but- I am curious so lets see how long we can keep the mystery going

Mystery Man: Yes it is. especially in Chicaga… how long would you like it to go on for???

Mystery Man: I’m a Scorpio

Me: I’m indifferent – I won’t know who you are till you tell me. You could at least give me another hint

Mystery Man: Do you like to travel?

Me: Yea

Mystery Man: Come and visit then. For some drinks???? And talks….

Me: Where should I book my ticket to?

Mystery Man: Where would you like me to be?

Mystery Man: How about on a beach and the water?

Me: In your home town… which is??

Me: I do love the beach

Mystery Man: K then come. Maybe even more with me. Possibly?

Me: Where should I tell the pilot to go?

Mystery Man: Hmmm. Pick a beach and the ocean. And picture me there in a tank top and white pants. And a bottle of wine

Me: I can’t picture you. No clue what you look like. PS- I am beginning to think we have never met

Mystery Man: We have. And you do know what I look like. Do you have messenger? Near a computer?

Me: I have an iPhone in my hand

Mystery Man: U drive a white merc. U like to slick back your hair in a pony tail. Attractive. U have nice smooth skin.s oft

Mystery Man: Do you have yahoo messenger

Mystery Man: U liked me when you saw me. Well that’s at least what you said. Maybe you were lying…

Me: No to yahoo messenger. Have you been in my car?

Mystery Man: Nope. Do you want me to be in your car?

Mystery Man: Add yahoo messenger and I can talk to you on there also. Or msn messenger?

Mystery Man: Ure around 5’1 when you stood close to me

Me: Tell me how long ago we met? What month?

Mystery Man: U should come and visit. Seriously, we can talk all night long

Mystery Man: Haha. I have to keep you intrigued. That’s not a good question.

Mystery Man: Where did you go? Thinking?

Me: I am sitting with friends, and we are trying to figure you out. Are you from Tennessee?

Mystery Man: Haha. Who are in your group at the moment? And no.

Me: Do you know my friends?

Mystery Man: Possibly…. Names?

Me: No way.. I give you no details.

Mystery Man: Haha. Why not?

Mystery Man: Apologies for bothering/ruining your get together

Me: You should just come

Mystery Man: Where should I come?

Mystery Man: Have you guys figured it out?

Me: Nope

Mystery Man: It’s so easy. but please socialize. Apologies for our texting  conversation. We shall speak soon.

Me: Sounds good

A few hours later:

Mystery Man: Have you figured out who I am?

Me: Nope. More hints?

Mystery Man: S

Me: ? no clue

Mystery Man: No clue?!! I’m surprised. Anywho will you be available to talk later tonight or today?

Mystery Man: I’ll tell ya. This is Sam.. Sorry to mess around with you a little bit. It was fun…hope you didn’t mind.

Me: Samira’s friend?

Mystery Man: Yes. Remember, you gave me your number.

Me: Ya- I remember giving you my # for business purposes definitely not to flirty text with a married man. Not ok Sam.

Sam: Haha. It was to throw you off as I was surprised you didnt remember ….

Sam: I was actually calling to set up a time to talk yesterday. But you were with friends.

Men – what the hell are they thinking sometimes!  

I am driven by laughter. I LOVE to have fun and laugh, especially on a date.

I got a text from a NY Guy… he wanted to come for a visit. Correction-  he had to be in Chicago for work, so he asked if I would be up for him to plan a weekend trip to see me before his Monday morning meeting.

I was introduced to NY Guy almost 2 years ago. We met thru Safia, a mutual friend of ours, a friend close enough to be considered a sister to me. We had a great time when we met, and I regretted that we lived in different cities. I always thought the problem between NY Guy and I was distance. He is quite the package – an investment banker, tall, good-looking, a positive person, super chill and so much fun. He has the ability to make me feel like there is nobody else in the room- even when we are in a crowded place. He compliments me… he talks about things we will do in the future… he makes me feel like we have a future.

Here is the “but“: Before NY Guy arrived – I kept forgetting he was coming. I was excited… but didn’t have a single butterfly leading up to or during the entire weekend. He came… we went out with a bunch of my friends on Saturday night. We had a blast.

As much fun as we both have together, there was a lack-luster attitude between us. Like, we could see each other the next night…. or not. We in fact did have plans for a second night, but I texted him with an “out” and he took it. I was relieved.

Again, I love to have fun. I am always saying “I didn’t laugh enough with him”. NY Guy made me laugh… but I didn’t care to see him for a 2nd night in a row. I felt like it would not be fun… and would feel forced.

I am beginning to realize having a connection is what makes the fun last. The connection is what makes the fun take on different looks… helps the fun “mature”. Without the connection… even the most fun person can be a turn-off.