Saturday August 27th 2011 — the night of prayer
Last night marked the 27th day of Ramadan*, known to Muslims as “Lailatul Qadr” – The Night of Power. The translation for Qadr is honour and dignity. ”Lailatul Qadr” is considered the holiest night of the year for Muslims because it was the night the Holy Quran was revealed to our Prophet Muhammad.
Enough with Sunday school… what did last night mean to me?!
I prayed my little heart out. I prayed for independence from debt, for each and every person I love, for my family’s safety and health, for some people to get pregnant, for some people to get better, for the poor people I met in India, for the people in my life that have passed away… for everything and everyone! But, the prayer I repeated the most, and recited with the most insecurity, and fear – was the prayer for a partner.
Typically when I pray, I feel guilty asking God for what I want, because I am not sure I deserve it. I know I am not a bad person, but I have made mistakes… I have hurt people. Also, praying for someone to love me, makes me really sad. I wish I could tell you I was the most deserving person in the world, and it’s unimaginable that my one true wish has been left unanswered – but, I know I have a lot of growth left, and I am faaaaar from being the person I hope to be, but I am on my way!
Last night there was a difference. I powered thru my self-doubt, and kept praying for what I want. In the past, I have not felt that I deserve to ask God for anything… felt that I need to be a better person before I go asking for things. I finally realized, God is the ONLY person I can ask- and not feel bad. After all, there I was, 1:30am, standing in a mosque, praying to him- for him.
As advertised, the night was powerful. I finally had the power to ask for what I wanted more than anything. A family of my own.
*Ramadan is the holiest of months for Muslims. The holy month includes fasting which is the third pillar of all the five pillars of Islam. Fasting in Islam is considered to be a means of practicing self-control. It is also considered to be a way of experiencing what hunger is all about, sympathizing with the poor and the needy, and thanking god for everything you have received in life.
“I know I am not a bad person, but I have made mistakes… I have hurt people.”
No doubt you’ve hurt people, but why do you continue to hurt yourself for things others have most likely moved beyond? And if they cannot move beyond their hurt, well that’s their f-ing issue, not yours. Just as much as you would like others to forgive you, you must forgive yourself for anything you have done to others.
From what I read in this blog, you are an excellent and decent person. Give yourself a break and really believe that you deserve that which you seek.
Comment by Streo777 — August 28, 2011 @ 11:35 am
A mntiue saved is a minute earned, and this saved hours!
Comment by Keyon — September 16, 2011 @ 10:45 am
This is way better than a brick & motrar establishment.
Comment by Susy — September 16, 2011 @ 4:35 pm
(Dammit, forgot to add this one point!)
“I know I have a lot of growth left, and I am faaaaar from being the person I hope to be, but I am on my way!”
I really don’t know you, but you are most likely just fine the way you are…
Comment by Streo777 — August 28, 2011 @ 11:38 am
It’s much easier to udentrsand when you put it that way!
Comment by Allayna — September 16, 2011 @ 6:05 pm
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Comment by Henry — August 30, 2011 @ 7:33 am
Thank God! Soeomne with brains speaks!
Comment by Elmira — September 16, 2011 @ 6:35 pm
More posts of this quaitly. Not the usual c***, please
Comment by Jetsyn — September 17, 2011 @ 6:33 am
i’ve read most of your posts. you are WAY too stuck in your past. past relationships, misses, etc etc. get over it. you’re clearly not. i feel like for you, the best thing would be to almost lose touch with most everyone from your past for good. and stop trying so hard to make this happen. definitely put yourself in a position to be around the kinds of guys you want to marry, but other than that, don’t pursue the goal like a business objective.
Comment by roops shah — August 31, 2011 @ 10:40 am
So true. Honesty and everything rceoginzed.
Comment by Latesha — September 16, 2011 @ 11:38 pm
How could any of this be better staetd? It couldn’t.
Comment by Kevlyn — September 17, 2011 @ 1:47 am
Hi Love … We as always have a long overdue catch up Been trying to get writing again on my end and enjoying reading yours … sending love from Spain and finally making it back to the states in November. Definitely pray for what you want – don’t beat around the bush – and don’t focus so much on the ‘want’ as much as focusing on what your life looks like after you have your dream come true. The secret of manifestation …
Comment by siempresienna — September 4, 2011 @ 12:41 pm
A few years ago I’d have to pay someone for this inofrmaiton.
Comment by Jennis — September 17, 2011 @ 10:53 am
Your article was excellent and erduite.
Comment by Jalene — September 16, 2011 @ 4:04 pm
There’s nothing like the relief of fiindng what you’re looking for.
Comment by Sable — September 17, 2011 @ 5:13 am